Even for heterosexual couples, the subject of having children is often a difficult one. As a single or gay man, it may seem impossible that this wish will ever be fulfilled. Men can want a child just as much as women. But a single woman has other options. She can go to a sperm bank and try IVF. But what does a man do when the longing for the sound of little feet grows and a partner is not in sight, or is not even supposed to be female?

Surrogacy - the way to a child?

Surrogacy is not possible in the German-speaking countries. Even couples cannot have fertilised eggs carried to term by another woman for a fee. However, this perspective is not completely uninteresting, because surrogacy is not ruled out in countries like Russia, the USA and Northern Cyprus. For a single man or a homosexual couple, for example, it would be possible to have IVF performed and acknowledge paternity. The biological mother of the child carries it and hands it over to the father after birth. It would not even be necessary to adopt; paternity results from the biological circumstances. However, the arrangement with the surrogate mother can become a challenge. Does she want visitation rights? Or does she waive them? The model is usually designed in such a way that there are no visitation rights and this is not wanted by either parent. It is best to consult a specialist who can offer legal advice for this case.

Co-parenting - fathering another child

Being a single man is a good catch for any single mother. Many single men don't rule out mothers as potential new partners because they want children anyway and don't care if it's their biological child. A patchwork family has helped many single men to have a small family. How far co-parenting (see blog on co-parenting) goes depends on the couple. Some mothers want a new husband who takes on all the rights and responsibilities of a father, while others want to raise their children according to their own standards. Some co-parenting couples are not lovers at all, but good friends who want to be there for their children together.

Becoming a child sponsor and working with children

In most large cities, there are sponsorship programmes for disadvantaged children or those with little parental care at home. Adults who are in the middle of their lives spend time with these children on a regular basis, helping them with their homework and school problems, and helping them to become mature adults. This creates a bond similar to that of a parent. How far this sponsorship goes depends on the people involved. Such a relationship with a child often satisfies the desire to have children, which is what the desire to have children is all about. The difference is that the godchild lives with his or her own parents and thus continues to belong to the family of origin.

Becoming a father through adoption

Gay couples in particular often choose to adopt. This is a way of helping a child whose parents are no longer able to care for it, or who has no parents at all. However, adoptions are subject to strict checks and controls, as the authorities do not want to place a child in a family where it will suffer further setbacks. Couples who wish to adopt must therefore expect that it may take some time before their new family member moves in. However, this is not an option for gay couples. A baby can be put up for adoption at least 8 weeks after birth. There are also three types of adoption: open, semi-open and incognito. This means that the child's birth parents can either continue to have contact with the child or refuse to have contact, even if the child later wishes to have contact.

Are single men disadvantaged?

Adoption is a long process. The authorities want to and have to make sure that they do not place a child in the wrong home. All couples are scrutinised - but are a woman and a man preferred to a male couple? Not necessarily. If the conditions are right for a gay couple, they will be granted a child. It can be more difficult for a single man - as it is for a woman. It is easier for two people to take care of a child, regardless of gender, because someone can usually be there when one of them is not available. Double income also plays a role in the decision to adopt. In addition, the birth parents of an adopted child can express their wishes about the type of household in which their child may be placed. If they exclude single parents, there is nothing to be done.

Fulfilling the desire to have children - which way is right?

Fulfilling the desire to have children as a single person or a gay couple is a challenge. For biological reasons alone, a man cannot have a child without a woman. The only options are adoption, surrogacy or co-parenting with the biological mother of a child. Adoption is a long and nerve-wracking process, but it is not legally questionable. From a legal point of view, an adopted child is the child of the person who took him or her into the family. This will not change, so the process is worthwhile. Surrogacy, on the other hand, saves one person, but is not possible in Germany, Austria and Switzerland. You have to take a detour through another country. There are many cases where this has worked well, but if the woman wants to keep the child, the man has little chance of influencing this decision. So a certain risk remains. With co-parenting, the right situation has to be created first. A single parent will not easily allow someone else to have a say in the children's upbringing. Such arrangements are usually very individual. It can develop on a friendly basis or it can be a patchwork family. It is usually not planned. At the end of the day, every single person or gay man has to go through his or her options and find out which way feels right to him or her.