If you've been trying to get pregnant for years, you've been through a lot. You've had IVF treatments, maybe even travelled abroad, or had a miscarriage. All of these events are very stressful for you and your partner in many ways. At some point, you reach a limit, whether it is biological, financial or emotional. You come to the conclusion that you have to say goodbye to your desire to have children.

Dealing with grief

Saying goodbye to the possibility of having children is basically a similar process to saying goodbye to a person who has died. You loved your child very much, even though it never really existed. You had a concept of life in which you had a small family. You may even have bought clothes or furniture.

With the decision not to have children, this whole world of thoughts collapses. It is not just the child itself that collapses, it is the concept of your own life that collapses. Most couples or people go through a grieving process.

You have to allow this grief to happen. It will be with you for a long time and will cause you many painful moments, but it is the only way to move on. If you try to push the grief away, you run the risk of slipping into depression. This will only make things worse.

Often grief comes on like an attack. For these situations, you can make a kind of first-aid kit. Put in everything that will cheer you up at such moments. This includes all the mobile phone numbers of people who know you and can help you.

Don't forget that your partner is grieving too. Everyone expresses grief differently. It is important that you support each other as a couple. For many couples, a crisis like this brings them even closer together.

Dealing with friends and family

It is often the case that people feel ashamed of their infertility. They may not even tell those around them that they are infertile. Talking is very important in order to get over the grief. Of course, it is up to you to decide who you talk to and how open you are about the subject.

It can be particularly difficult if everyone else in your circle of friends is starting a family. You will always be on the receiving end of invitations to christenings and birthday parties. You have to decide whether these situations will help you or drag you down.

It is often helpful to broaden your circle of friends to include people who have a similar problem. In general, self-help groups or regulars' tables are a great help. They give you a chance to talk to people who can understand your feelings.

"You also got kids?"

It will be hard to avoid being asked this question in your everyday life. It usually comes from outsiders who hardly know you. For example, when a new colleague joins your team, small talk is the order of the day. If you answer 'no' to this question, it often creates an awkward situation for both parties. The awkward silence is often followed by an expression of sympathy or a supposedly funny remark. This can be very hurtful to you, especially if you have not yet come to terms with your situation. Most of the time, however, the other person is not trying to hurt you, but simply does not know how to react. You should always bear this in mind.

To be better prepared, you can think of a quick-witted response. That way you can avoid the awkward situation and the question is off the table. Once you have got over your grief, it can also help to be more open about infertility. Many women report that having to find excuses or euphemisms makes them feel even more stressed. Being able to talk about it openly can take a lot of the pressure off, because you don't have to hide all the time. But you have to decide if this is for you. Infertility is a very personal issue that is not really anyone else's business unless you want it to be.

Search for new projects

Apart from your friends, colleagues and family, there is of course your partner. As mentioned above, infertility can have a negative impact on your relationship. After all, a child can be seen from the outside as a kind of joint project or task for the parents. It is therefore helpful to look for a new project together. Of course, this can never replace a child, but that is not the point. The point is to have a task again, preferably together. In this way you can find your way back together as a couple and support each other. What kind of project you start is up to you. From dogs to volunteering, anything you enjoy is allowed.

What can others do to be of help?

You may not be affected yourself, but you have a close friend who is. As an outsider, you may find it difficult to understand exactly what your friend is going through. That's why you often don't have the right words to say. But that's OK, because the best way to support your friend is to be there for her and listen to her without judging her. You can also help her with everyday tasks. Sometimes you just have to accept her decisions, for example if she doesn't want to come to your little daughter's christening.

If you are affected yourself, it is important to open up. You should be able to talk about your worries. Others can only help you if you tell them what you need. You don't have to tell everyone in your family, but you can tell the people you trust the most. If you don't feel comfortable talking to friends or family, you can also talk to a psychologist, a grief counsellor or a chaplain. The important thing is not to be afraid to ask for help. This is about you and your mental health, so it's up to you to decide what you need and what you don't.