From a medical point of view, it is perfectly normal for not every pregnancy to be a success. But for you as a mother, the world is falling apart. You may have tried several times to get pregnant. Maybe you've had to go through IVF treatment several times because it never worked. When you finally got a positive pregnancy test, you couldn't believe your luck. You must have had plans for how your life would look with your new little family. And then suddenly, from one moment to the next, it's all over.

A miscarriage is not only critical from a medical point of view, but it can also be very emotionally devastating. You have just lost someone you loved more than anything, even though you may never have seen your child. The same goes for your partner, of course. After such an experience, you are entitled to take time to grieve.

Stages of grief

Grief is an important part of dealing with such emotional experiences. It is extremely stressful and painful, but in the long run there is no way around it. In psychology, grief is divided into three stages that you will go through.

Immediately after the miscarriage, you are in complete shock. You didn't see it coming and it happened so quickly that you didn't really understand what was happening. You wonder if it was just a bad dream or if there was some mistake or mix-up. In a way, this is your brain's protective reflex, designed to protect your psyche.

Unfortunately, it does not work in the long run. In the second phase, you begin to understand the consequences of the event. You realise that you have lost your beloved child. At this stage, all sorts of emotions come to the surface, including anger, sadness and guilt. This is probably the hardest phase for you, but it is also the only way to cope with the loss.

Eventually, you will be able to accept the loss of your child. You are now in the third and final stage. You will probably never get over the loss, or even forget it, but you can learn to live with it.

Psychological support

It is during the second phase that people usually feel very bad. The exact nature of this phase varies from person to person. This is why it is sometimes difficult for outsiders to understand your behaviour and feelings. It is not easy for your partner either.

It often helps to talk about the experience in detail, over and over again. It is important that the person you are talking to is able to listen to you and that you feel safe with them. It is also important that the person you are talking to is able to listen to you. For this reason, many mothers feel very lonely and abandoned after a miscarriage.

In addition, many women are afraid that they have failed. You may wonder if you did something wrong or if it is your fault that you miscarried. Many people have these thoughts, but most of them are completely unfounded.

For all these reasons, it can be helpful to seek support outside your own social circle. Support groups are a good way to do this. Here you can share your experiences with other mothers or fathers who have been through a similar experience. Of course, this means that they can understand your feelings much better because they feel similarly. You may also meet other parents who are in the third stage and who can give you tips on how to cope with your grief.

If you feel that you have no energy left to cope with everyday life and that your grief is completely overwhelming, you can always make an appointment to see a psychologist. You can be sure that anything you say will never leave the consulting room. You will not be judged and you will be listened to. A psychologist is also the best person to see if you are slipping into depression and to help you prevent it.

What can family and friends do?

In addition to professional help, you also have your friends and family. However, they are often overwhelmed by the situation and do not know what to say or do. Therefore, it is often best not to say much, but simply to be there for the person. For example, you can take over some of the person's daily tasks or help them with those tasks.

After a miscarriage, many women feel that all they see are happy families or pregnant women. This can make it difficult for them to go out alone, for example to go shopping. In such situations, an understanding best friend can be a great support.

What else you can do

Your partner has probably been a great support in your life. Of course, everyone is preoccupied with their own grief at first, but it is important not to lose sight of the relationship.

Some psychologists also recommend that you write a letter to your child, telling him or her everything you wanted to say. If you don't feel comfortable doing this, you can do it in therapy with a therapist.

Some people also find it helpful to throw themselves into new tasks or hobbies. This can also be good for your relationship. You may also be able to revive an old hobby, which can help you get back into a normal routine.

Pregnancy

Once you have come to terms with your grief, there is usually one big question: Should I try again? Only you know the answer. In any case, your decision needs to be well thought out. If you have a medical condition, such as a hormonal disorder, this will need to be treated before you try again. You also need to be aware that a new pregnancy can bring back many memories of the miscarriage, so you need to be emotionally stable again. Finally, it is important to realise that the child will be a sibling to the angel baby, not a replacement. If you and your partner feel ready, there is nothing to stop you trying again.

Ultimately, it is up to you to take the time you need to grieve. That's fine, and only you know what helps you and what doesn't. You can also tell those around you, because only if your loved ones know how you feel can they give you the support you need.